Link Meets CD-i Link: The Faces Of Ganon
by xandermartin98
Summary: The title speaks for itself. This is a parody of the Zelda CD-i games, mainly Faces Of Evil. Link and his CD-i counterpart work together to save their respective Princess Zeldas from Ganondorf in an epic adventure.


One day in Hyrule Castle Town, everyone recieved a copy of Link: The Faces Of Evil from Ganon in mock celebration of his birthday. Due to the unholy Triforce power of the its awfulness, Link and Zelda got sucked into the game!

Link woke up in some kind of purple castle. "Where am I?" he wondered. He was in a vast hallway of pillars and windows. He carefully walked through the corridor and opened the door to the royal chambers just as the game began its first cutscene.

"Gee! It sure is BORING around here!" CD-i Link said in a very stereotypically gay and cheerful fashion.

"My boy, this peace is what all true warriors strive for!" King Harkinian replied.

"I just wonder what GANON'S up to!" Link said over-excitedly as if he was daydreaming about Ganon.

"Who the heck are you?" Link asked CD-i Link with a hint of confusion.

"I'm Link! It's always fabulous to meet a new friend!" CD-i Link said gaily.

"No, I'M Link." Link explained.

"HUH?" CD-i Link responded, dumbfounded. "What's happening?"

Suddenly, Gwonam flew in on his magic carpet and delivered an urgent message. "Your Majesty, Ganon and Ganon and his minions have seized the island of Koridai!"

"SAY WHAT?!" Link responded.

"Hmm..." Harkinian thought for a second. "How can we help?"

"It is written..." Gwonam began, magically summoning an ancient scroll with some weird symbols on it, one of which was shaped like a fish. "Only Link can defeat Ganon."

"Great! I'll grab my STUFF!" CD-i Link said in a fit of pure joy.

"But wait!" Link responded. "What is the prophecy for who will defeat two Ganons?"

"As it is written, only two Links can defeat two Ganons, and so on and so forth." Gwonam clarified.

"But Father, what if something happens to the other Link?" CD-i Zelda asked.

"I'll take the Triforce Of Courage to protect me." Link replied.

"GREAT!" CD-i Link exclaimed happily. "That old Ganon's no match for me!"

"Remember, we are dealing with TWO Ganons here." Link reminded him.

"I bet I could take on both of them at once!" CD-i Link bragged.

"You've got a LOT to learn, kid." Link explained.

"How about a kiss?" CD-i Link asked, leaning toward CD-i Zelda. "For luck?"

"You've got to be kidding." CD-i Zelda replied, causing CD-i Link to cover his mouth and giggle like a little schoolgirl.

"Don't make me laugh." Link warned him.

"SQUADALA! We are off!" Gwonam said as he and both Links flew off on Gwonam's magic carpet.

"So...what exactly does 'squadala' mean?" Link asked.

"I don't know. It's just something I made up." Gwonam answered.

"WOW! What are all those HEADS?" CD-i Link exclaimed in wonder.

Link looked down and saw a bunch of weird buildings that looked like deformed Easter Heads down on the Koridian ground. "Actually, yeah, he has a point. What are all those weird head-shaped things doing down there?"

"THESE...are the FACES...of E-VILL." Gwonam responded very hammily. "YOU must conquer each."

"The 'Faces Of Evil'? What kind of idiotic cheesy name is that? And why must we 'conquer' them anyway?" Link asked in confusion.

"It is just how the prophecy is written. Anyone could have written it for all I know." Gwonam explained. "I am simply doing my job."

"Well, I guess I'd better get going..." CD-i Link said.

"Don't say I, say WE! WE!" Link corrected him.

"Teeheehee!" CD-i Link broke out into childish giggles. "You said wee-wee!"

"Link, please cease this childish behavior! It is not befitting of a young gentleman like yourself!" Gwonam demanded.

"This guy is supposed to be a GENTLEMAN? You're calling this kid a GENTLEMAN?" Link asked, bewildered.

"Sadly, yes." Gwonam sighed. "He is just some random teenage gaywad who decided to dress up as Link. Unfortunately, he was the only hero we could find."

"Well, I suppose I'll have to get used to him." Link thought to himself. "I just can't believe that this random kid is supposed to be ME, of all people..."

"Anyway..." Gwonam sighed. "Here is the map. Where do you wish to go?"

"I know!" CD-i Link had a bright idea. "Let's go visit Morshu the shopkeeper!"

"Whatever you say then, I guess." Link sighed.

"Very well then. Brace yourselves! We're landing!" Gwonam notified them.

Gwonam landed his magic carpet at some random river area as both Links disembarked. "Good luck, children."

"So, how does your sword stack up against my Master Sword?" Link asked.

"Well, it's really dangerous to go alone, so I always take this with me!" CD-i Link explained, pulling out his wooden sword.

"Are you kidding me?" Link responded with a hint of ridicule. "That thing looks like the kiddie sword that one of my ancestors got from some random old box in a fairy forest when he was like ten years old! You should be using a much heavier sword than that! How are you planning to take on Ganon with THAT thing?"

"I'm just an average guy! Jeez!" CD-i Link argued.

"Even an average guy at your age could've easily done a better hero act than you!" Link pointed out. "What's so special about your lame-ass sword, honestly?"

"It shoots lasers!" CD-i Link joyfully exclaimed.

"Even the first Link could do that. That's really nothing special compared to what my sword is capable of." Link explained. "Seriously, how did you defeat Ganon with that godforsaken piece-of-crap sword?"

"All I have to do is throw a magic spell-book at him, and presto! He's trapped inside the book!" CD-i Link explained.

"My god, is your version of Ganon really that weak?" Link asked in astonishment.

"Yeah!" CD-i Link said merrily while Link gritted his teeth in anger. "Fine, let's go..." Link sighed exasperatedly. "Just know that if you're planning to take on the real Ganon with that freaking Kokiri sword, you're committing suicide."

Link led the way with CD-i Link following him. They killed a few mindless monsters. Somehow, none of them dropped any rupees, only rubies. Link didn't imagine rubies being worth anything in the Zelda universe. The two Links climbed up the hillside and crossed the bridge to Morshu's shop.

"Hey, look at me!" CD-i Link demanded. "I can do the duck walk! Cool, huh?" Link rolled his eyes and said "No".

As both Links entered the shop, Morshu greeted them.

"Lamp oil? Rope? BOMBS? You want it?" Morshu began.

"That sounds pretty useful." Link responded.

"It's yours, my friend, as long as you have enough rubies." Morshu continued, pulling out a ruby.

"I have 200 Rupees. Will that work?" Link requested.

"No. In Koridai, 200 Rupees are only worth 2 rubies." Morshu explained.

"Why, you fat money-grubbing son of a-" Link began; CD-i Link grabbed him and silenced him.

"Sorry, Link. I can't give credit!" Morshu responded. "Come back when you're a little, MMM, RICHER!"

"You cheap bastard..." Link growled.

"MMM! MMM! MMM!" Morshu started humming repeatedly.

"Okay, that's it, I tried to be nice." Link said, pulling out his sword and pointing it straight at Morshu's neck. "Give me a discount."

"Okay, okay, I lied!" Morshu desperately admitted, cowering into the corner. "200 Rupees are actually worth 20000 rubies here! Just take whatever you can afford and leave me alone! I'll do anything for you! I'll even lick your feet, rub your hairy backs with lotion, trim your toenails, pick your booger-encrusted noses, read Twilight to you and clean out your earwax if I have to! ANYTHING! Just don't hurt me!" Morshu broke out into tears.

"Are you done yet?" Link asked. "Gosh, what a coward!" CD-i Link agreed.

"Okay, Morshu, we've ordered the maximum amount of bombs and rope and lamp oil for the two of us." Link explained.

"Okay, that's 11880 rubies. Pay up!" Morshu demanded. Link paid 119 Rupees. "Don't worry about the change." Link recommended.

"It's been one of those days." Morshu mumbled to himself. "At least I got my precious money. MY...PRECIOUS..."

"What next?" Link asked. "Let's go find Zelda!" CD-i Link suggested.

"What? How do you know she's been kidnapped?" Link asked, bewildered.

"I have a sixth sense for it." CD-i Link explained.

"Hmm..." Link responded. "Come to think of it, so do I."

And so they set off on Gwonam's magic carpet, awaiting their next adventure in...

THE FACES OF EVIL

MEANWHILE AT GANON'S LAIR...

"You dare bring light to my lair?!" CD-i Ganon exclaimed. "You must die!" CD-i Ganon then proceeded to shoot one-inch bolts of lightning from his fingertips.

"Is that your best?" Ganon ridiculed him, hitting him in the face with a Warlock Punch which was his version of Falcon Punch. "You're supposed to be like me! Dark, evil, powerful, intelligent and intimidating! You are none of those things! Is this some kind of sick joke? What foolish treachery is this madness? You'd better shape up or I will subject you to a fate worse than death."

"Sir, yes, sir! I apologize!" CD-i Ganon responded. "I'll try to stop crying out for my mommy, okay? Look, I can be scary! Look at this face!" CD-i Ganon made the stupidest "scary face" Ganon had ever seen.

"You incompetent fool!" Ganon yelled, slapping CD-i Ganon in the face. "What is your so-called motive anyway?"

CD-i Ganon explained through a poem. "In the darkest nightmare hour, when not moon nor sun has risen...I take Zelda! I shall keep her in my prison!"

"What type of prison is it, if I may ask?" Ganon asked.

"She's permanently asleep on a bed. Only banging the gong next to the bed will wake her!" CD-i Ganon explained.

"You've been raping CD-i Zelda, haven't you?" Ganon realized.

"Hahh..." CD-i Ganon growled, making boob-squeezing gestures with his clenched hands.

"Guards!" Ganon ordered his Iron Knuckle bodyguards. "Keep the runt in chains! Get this pathetic weak imbecile out of my sight until he can learn some proper villain manners! Villains are supposed to act sophisticated, or, at the very least, threatening! Perhaps he'll learn someday..." Ganon cackled evilly and sipped a glass of wine as the Iron Knuckles dragged CD-i Ganon into his time-out zone.

"He can do whatever he wants with that worthless ugly CD-i Zelda for all I care. Right now, I have the real Princess Zelda to attend to in Tycoge Tower." Ganon schemed.

MEANWHILE, IN SOME RANDOM TEMPLE AT THE VOLCANO LAKE...

"There it is!" CD-i Link exclaimed with surprise. "It's Zelda!"

"That's CD-i Zelda." Link corrected him. "Whatever." CD-i Link replied.

Suddenly, both Links saw CD-i Zelda transforming and realized that this one was an impostor!

The ugly humanoid monster cackled and said "I may be hideous, but after I'm through with you, you'll wish you hadn't thought I was ugly!"

The thing summoned skeleton knights. "Kill the Links and cut their bile!" it ordered them.

"Ew, gross!" CD-i Link moaned.

The Links made short work of the skeletons and set fire to the leader. "No, no, nooooooo-" Just like that, he burned into a crisp.

Gwonam arrived and carried them off on his magic carpet.

"Say, CD-i Link, why are Morshu's garbage products so expensive?" Link asked. "I mean, come on! His climbing rope is non-reusable, it takes a good number of his bombs just to blow up one simple rock, and his lamp oil lasts only about five seconds per use. At 10-30 rubies for each individual item, this crap is a waste of money."

"He just loves charging a lot of money for nearly worthless products!" CD-i Link explained. "Heck, if it makes him happy, it makes me happy too! I feel so bad for him since you and me are the only folks I know who have actually legitimately shopped at his store regularly!"

"God damn it..." Link thought to himself. "I hate this freaking kid so much..."

ONE DUNGEON LATER...

"Through the eye of Glutgo lies the shrine of Koridai!" Gwonam announced.

After watching Glutgo eat several people, Link asked "OH MY GOD! How am I supposed to fight that abomination?"

"Don't fight him, feed him!" CD-i Link explained. "Something spicy! You know what I mean?"

Link approached Glutgo. "I'll have Link for the main course!" Glutgo said menacingly. Link lit a bomb and threw it into Glutgo's open mouth and Glutgo accidentally swallowed it.

"UH OH!" Glutgo exploded, splattering the room and Link's face with green slime. Link nearly vomited.

ONE MORE DUNGEON LATER...

"Look how Militron makes HIS warriors!" Gwonam advised.

"WORTHLESS KORIDIANS!" the giant mechanical knight yelled, crushing several men in his hand, breathing fire on them and turning them into stone soldiers. "NOW GO AND KILL!"

"Okay, CD-i Link, you take out those knights while I take out Militron. I've trained you, you should be able to handle this." Link explained.

"GREAT!" CD-i Link exclaimed as he defeated the unrealistically weak stone soldiers with his slightly upgraded sword.

Meanwhile, Link and Militron were locked in mortal combat. It had all come down to which one could land a hit on the other one first. Link swung his sword with all his might, shattering Militron's armor...in literally one hit.

Militron underneath his armor was revealed to be a weak and innocent old man wearing only underwear and cheaply made shoes. "Oh my goodness, this is awful!" the man moaned.

Link grabbed him by the neck. "HOW COULD YOU BE SO FREAKING WEAK? A GODDAMNED FIRE-BREATHING MECHANICAL KNIGHT THAT TURNS PEOPLE INTO STONE SOLDIERS AND LOOKS REALLY FREAKING TOUGH...DYING IN ONE HIT?! ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME!?"

Link let the man go, but he could not believe how much that boss battle sucked. "Un-freaking-believable..."

"Hey, that was fun!" CD-i Link said cluelessly.

ONE MORE DUNGEON LATER...

"Why are you a pig harlequin?" Link asked.

"Now you know what happens when you lose your last rubie! Now you work for ME! *snort* YOU LOSE."

"Shut the hell up!" Link yelled, thrusting his sword at the pig harlequin.

The pig harlequin popped like a balloon and died. "Lame." Link thought to himself. "Next..."

ONE DUNGEON LATER...

"Hey, look, it's some wolf guy." Link said.

"I spy with my little eye someone that needs to die." the wolf guy said.

Link stabbed the wolf guy right in the magic eye engraved on his forehead, killing him in one hit yet again. "Okay, this is really starting to get old..." Link thought to himself.

"That was so much fun! Can we go through all those awful pitch-black dungeons again?" CD-i Link cheerfully asked.

"Must...not...kill..." Link thought to himself.

AT GWONAM'S HOUSE, AFTER A FEW MORE RANDOM QUESTS...

"At last!" Gwonam exclaimed with delight. "Finally, you have the vision to locate MY HOUSE!"

"Umm, okay...what's the point of us going through that long and painful and utterly tedious adventure just to see the inside of your freaking house?" Link asked.

"But it's a nice house!" Gwonam explained. "I even embroidered our initials onto a chest which I sent back to the castle for you two to keep as a gift. It's just FABULOUS!"

"That's nice and all, but I'm going to have to leave Koridai and go back to my universe after this whole quest is over." Link explained.

"Oh, well in that case...would you like to sleep in my closet?" Gwonam asked. "It's very spacious."

"Very well then." Link replied.

Both Links woke up and saw that Impa and Mayor Kravindish, along with some random fat chef, had appeared at Gwonam's house.

"It seems everyone has been taken to Tycoge Tower!" Impa pointed out,explaining what her vision through the Triforce Of Wisdom showed her.

"THIS is ILLEGAL, you know." Kravindish mentioned, utilizing his signature catchphrase.

"MY CAKES WILL BURN!" the chef yelled, running out of the house for no apparent reason.

"Let's go to CD-i Ganon's lair first." Link suggested. "Good idea!" CD-i Link agreed.

"Join me, Links, and I will make your faces the greatest in Koridai!" CD-i Ganon offered. "Or else you will DIE!" Right then, he made his "scary face" and Link almost died laughing while CD-i Link wet his pants.

"If you have what it takes to defeat this clown, then show me what you've got!" Link told CD-i Link. "Make me proud!"

"Great! I can't wait to throw a book at Ganon!" CD-i Link said with excitement.

"Wait, WHAT?" Link responded.

CD-i Link blocked a few of CD-i Ganon's fireballs with his shield, then threw the Book Of Koridai at him; at that exact moment, it was all over.

"NO! NOT INTO THE PIT! IT BURNS!" CD-i Ganon yelled in the most overdramatic way possible as he turned into a picture inside what essentially looked like an over-glorified magic storybook and was trapped inside the book.

Link then threw the book out the window. "We win. Flawless victory. FATALITY."

By the time Link stopped laughing, CD-i Link had already reached the chamber where he thought CD-i Zelda would be. But there was no one there.

"I knew it! The real Ganon stole both Zeldas! Let's get him!" Link yelled.

AFTER HACKING AND SLASHING THROUGH HORDES OF GANON'S MINIONS AND CLIMBING TYCOGE TOWER...

"Hmph. You may have slain my minions, including my Iron Knuckles by the way...and caught my traitorous servant Duke Onkled red-handed...but do you really think you can defeat me?" Ganon cackled.

"I've defeated you time and time again." Link pointed out. "I should have no trouble defeating you."

"Very well then." Ganon replied. "I challenge you to a game of tennis!"

Ganon threw two energy balls at the Links; CD-i Link reflected one with his bottle, and Link reflected the other one with his Master Sword. Despite Ganon's backhanded tactics, both energy balls eventually hit him, leaving both Links free to wail on him, knocking him off the edge of the tower.

Link and CD-i Link couldn't believe their eyes. Ganon had morphed into his Ocarina Of Time beast form, golden blades and all!

Link used his Master Sword to block the thunderous blows from Ganon's massive swords as CD-i Link ran in between Ganon's legs and struck his tail.

"NO! NOT MY ONE WEAKNESS! COME HERE!" Ganon yelled, chasing after CD-i Link who was running and screaming like a true coward.

While Ganon was chasing after CD-i Link, Link shot Ganon right in the tail with a light arrow. "SQUEAL!"

"GET OVER HERE!" Ganon turned around, knocking CD-i Link over onto the ground for a few seconds as his tail swung around. He shot the blade, which was attached to a chain, from one of his swords, skewering Link's shield and pulling Link toward his face.

Right when Ganon was about to eat Link, Link stabbed him right through the roof of his mouth and the sword slightly penetrated Ganon's brain tissue. Ganon dropped Link, kicked the Master Sword out of his hands, and tried to stomp on him. Right when things seemed hopeless...

King Harkinian descended from the sky on a bolt of lightning, courtesy of Gwonam. He proceeded to chew bubblegum and fire machine guns.

After weakening Ganon considerably with machine gun fire and rocket-propelled grenades, Harkinian karate-jump-kicked Ganon in the face and then slipped right in between his legs and uppercutted him in the groin so hard that it left a major impact and paralyzed Ganon for a few seconds. "TOASTY!"

While Ganon was clutching his crotch in pain, Link and CD-i Link attacked his tail so many times that the sheer amount of pain, damage and blood loss knocked him unconscious.

Then, they walked up his back and stabbed him right through the back of the head.

"Now that's a real fatality if I do say so myself!" Link bragged.

"You sure can say that again!" CD-i Link replied. "Now let's go find Zelda!"

Link saved Zelda first. "You been waiting for me?" Link asked teasingly.

"You know it! Now take me back to our world, please." Zelda replied.

Next, CD-i Link saved CD-i Zelda, who was interestingly barefoot for some reason.

"I just saved you from Ganon!" CD-i Link said happily.

"You did not!" CD-i Zelda teased him, causing him to frown with disappointment.

"Well done, Links! Ganon is once again imprisoned! Come!" Gwonam instructed the Links. "Look. Already, Koridai is returning to harmony! Isn't it beautiful?"

"GOLLY!" CD-i Link responded. "I guess that's worth a kiss, huh?" CD-i Zelda sneered at him.

"You don't know how to handle women, my friend." Link told CD-i Link. "I have a real relationship with my Zelda, one that isn't just about kissing! Jealous?"

"YEAH!" CD-i Link responded.

"As it is written, you, LINK and LINK, are the heroes of Koridai!" Gwonam congratulated them.

BACK AT THE CASTLE...

"Here are the traitors, your majesty!" Link told the king.

"Please! Your Omnipotence!" Duke Onkled and Morshu begged. "Have mercy!"

"After you've scrubbed all the floors in Hyrule, then we can talk about mercy!" Harkinian declared. "Take them away!"

"Yes, sir." Link obeyed. Duke Onkled was arrested for working with Ganon as a pimp and secretly raping both Zeldas, while Morshu was arrested for charging too much money for his awful products.

Link and Zelda said goodbye and left the CD-i world while CD-i Link was in the bathroom.

"What happened?" CD-i Link asked as he came out into the dining room.

"Oh nothing, Link, we were just about to have a feast." CD-i Zelda explained.

"GREAT!" CD-i Link responded.

CD-i Zelda and King Harkinian laughed merrily and gave each other a great big hug. Everyone lived happily ever after except for all the people who were trying to get to the exit portal before it closed. Sadly, a few of them didn't make it.

"Someday, we are going to burn those CD-i games to the ground..." Link told Zelda.

THE END


End file.
